Holiday Cheer
by Celtic Leigh
Summary: PG because of one naughty word uttered from Jarlaxle's mouth. Leigh's found a way to give the girls the perfect holiday gift!


Dramatis Personnae:  
  
The Author (Leigh)  
Carmen  
Miguel  
Marisa  
Drizzt  
Jarlaxle  
Entreri  
Rejalyn  
Tage  
Evil Muse (Aragorn)  
  
***  
  
THE AUTHOR: All right, is everybody clear on what they have to do?  
  
ENTRERI: Do I really have to wear this thing?  
  
THE AUTHOR: Yes. And make sure your beard stays on. Any more questions?  
  
DRIZZT: Umm...I realize your intentions are great and all, but aren't you abusing the elves?  
  
THE AUTHOR: Shut up, or I'll write an even more embarassing fic.  
  
JARLAXLE: Could you possibly make it MORE embarassing?  
  
THE AUTHOR: Would you prefer the Santa suit, Jarlaxle?  
  
JARLAXLE: Umm...no...I'm good...  
  
THE AUTHOR: Great. I'll bring the girls in. So remember, breathe...  
  
MIGUEL: May I remind you that I'm currently dressed up as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? If I breathe, I'll start hyperventilating and kill myself.  
  
THE AUTHOR: Be quiet, Snuffy-poo.  
  
JARLAXLE: //laughing inanely// Snuffy-poo?  
  
MIGUEL://through gritted teeth// It isn't FUNNY.  
  
THE AUTHOR: Shut up! All of you! Or you'll ALL be in Santa suits.  
  
ENTRERI: //hopefully// I'll trade!  
  
THE AUTHOR: Nope.You've killed too many good characters to be allowed anything but the Santa suit.  
  
  
  
//ENTRERI points accusingly at JARLAXLE but THE AUTHOR is too preoccupied with her writing to notice. CARMEN, MARISA and REJALYN enter, apparently sleep deprived, royally pissed off, and all else that accompanies their 'normal' states//  
  
CARMEN: I must be hallucinating  
  
MARISA: That's so CUTE!  
  
REJALYN: Oh. My. GOD.  
  
MIGUEL: See! I told you they wouldn't be sick laughing.  
  
THE AUTHOR: Shut up, or it's the Santa suit for you.  
  
  
  
//CARMEN rushes up into ENTRERI's lap.//  
  
  
  
CARMEN: Ooh! Santa! Santa! Can you give me a present?  
  
ENTRERI: WHAT exactly, am I supposed to say to her?  
  
THE AUTHOR: Ask her if she's been naughty or nice.  
  
ENTRERI: I already know the answer.  
  
THE AUTHOR: ASK HER ANYWAY, DAMMIT!  
  
ENTRERI: //sigh// All right. Have you been naughty or nice?  
  
CARMEN: It all depends on your definition of 'naughty.'  
  
ENTRERI: Things like killing people in cold blood and initiating coups d'etat are considered naughty.  
  
CARMEN: Oh. Well then, I'm naughty.  
  
ENTRERI: So what do I do now?  
  
THE AUTHOR: Ask her what she wants for a present.  
  
ENTRERI: All right. What do you want?  
  
CARMEN: I want a reindeer.  
  
MIGUEL: I was afraid of that.  
  
ENTRERI: PLEASE take him.  
  
  
  
EVIL MUSE: Oooh, that was harsh, Leigh...  
  
  
  
//CARMEN gleefully jumps at Miguel and leads him away by the red satin bow conveniently placed around his neck.//  
  
  
  
MIGUEL: //muttering// I hate this job.  
  
  
  
//The next screaming fangirl jumps at ENTRERI.//  
  
  
  
MARISA: I have a Christmas wish here, and you'd damn well BETTER grant it.  
  
THE AUTHOR: MARISA! You're supposed to be NICE to Santa!  
  
MARISA: I don't believe in Santa. That's just an Entreri who gained a few hundred pounds and put on a really ugly cotton beard.  
  
ENTRERI: I did NOT gain weight! It's padding!  
  
MARISA: Sure...fat slob!  
  
THE AUTHOR: Get on with it, you two!  
  
ENTRERI: Have you been good?  
  
MARISA: Yes, except to the people on my hit-list.  
  
CARMEN: You have a hit list? DAMN! I'm jealous...  
  
ENTRERI: What do you want?  
  
MARISA: Both of Santa's scantily-clad, handsome helper elves.  
  
ENTRERI: Sorry. I need the manpower for things like killing annoying, abject fangirls of Drizzt and Jarlaxle.  
  
DRIZZT: NOT FAIR!  
  
JARLAXLE: Look who's talking. YOU are still a virgin. I get dibs on leaving with her.  
  
DRIZZT: //Scimitars magically appear out of nowhere//  
  
JARLAXLE: SHIT!  
  
THE AUTHOR: Okay. You all totally screwed up on this scene. Marisa's supposed to ask Santa nicely for the scantily-clad elves. Entreri's supposed to give them to her. She is supposed to leave flanked by two drow clad in nauseating lime green tights. Finis. Let's try this again.  
  
MARISA: I dunno. I kind of like the revised script.  
  
THE AUTHOR: Just shut up. We don't have enough time to redo, so we're moving on. Rejal!  
  
  
  
//REJALYN has left the scene, having stolen CARMEN's horse, TAGE, and is running fast and far, screaming in justifiable terror.//  
  
  
  
***  
  
What happened?  
  
CARMEN wouldn't let MIGUEL out of the reindeer-costume for days.When she finaly did, he was pretty mad at her, but they made it up in a personal sort of way.  
  
MARISA went home happy with two scantily-clad drow in nauseating green tights. We didn't feel like interfering with her private life, so it's left to the wise reader to discern what happened.  
  
REJALYN ran for three days, away from the terror of it all, until she somehow landed in the middle of Highway I-25 and was arrested for disrupting the peace. She later escaped, along with a few odd weapons, and shot up the Colorado countryside. She is now held in a Federal prison, awaiting her trial. And her weaponry was confiscated. Poor girl.  
  
TAGE mysteriously found his way home from Colorado and got very fat eating the mistletoe that was used to decorate the set of the *quite-odd* above scene.  
  
ENTRERI has been sentenced to permanent residence within the Santa suit, because he did such a bad job as an actor.  
  
THE AUTHOR cracked up after writing this, before realizing that the equivalent of nuclear missiles would be sent at her, and that if she ever left the safety of her home, she would be skewered, probably painfully.  
  
*** 


End file.
